I just never make it a priority. I want to make it a priority moving forward. When I am alone I have all of these thoughts that I want to put in writing (and not in a Facebook post.) Recently, I lost my mama. I have been overwhelmed with emotions. This has really sparked my need to get back on here and write down how I feel. So here's to starting off where we left off. Its a different tone today from my last post, but you can't change the way you feel when you sit down to write.
Its been a month.
Its been ONE entire month.
4 weeks.
4 Sundays.
We are back to the number 12 on the date of the next month in the calendar.
What i am really struggling with (among other things) is TIME. Time has a different meaning now. It actually scares me, or haunts me? Im not sure what it does, but when i think about it in accordance with my mama, i don't like it. That's what I know. That's what I feel. I don't like it.
I count my girls' birthdays, and they come around year after year. I count down to vacations that are months away. I count down to special weekends that I'm looking forward to. I count down the weeks until my hubby & daddy come home from offshore. ........... and now i count how many days have passed since my mom left this earth.
Can time just stop already? Can i quit counting the days & weeks that she isn't here anymore. Can i forget that she won't see anymore of her grandchildren's lives? She won't see them and their dance recitals, or softball games, or cheerleading competitions. Can i quit thinking of how much my girls' loved her, and how they won't have her anymore. They can't call her when I'm being mean and say they are coming over. They can't pack their bags and say they are "running away" to nee nee's (which may or may not be something their mother did when she was little.) They can't have anymore "Girls trips" with her. they can't look forward to the weekend when nee nee is coming to stay with us in her room for 3 days in a row! They can't insist on waving goodbye to her the entire time as she pulls out of the driveway. They can't go shopping with her anymore & get spoiled like nobodys business! They can't FaceTime with her anymore and laugh so hard because her dogs won't quit licking her in the face so she can talk to us. They can't look forward to going to her house. They can't make any new memories with her. That hurts. It really does feel like a punch in the gut. I would say it stings, but it is so much more than a stinging feeling. It is a deep, breath taking, headache starting, punch right to my heart. Oh, the things we would have done, the places we would have gone, the laughs we would have had. Of course my 28 years of memories are beautiful, messy, painful, and so very special to me, but they only had 5 and 3 years with her. Thats' not enough. That's not fair. That's not how it was supposed to be. That's not what she wanted.
I hope they remember her. I hope they know how special they were to her. I hope she knew how special she was to them.
unfortunately, time keeps going.
The minutes keep passing. The days come and go.
The months, the months are going to add up. They are going to make a year. They are going to make years. The time is going to continue on its merry way, and I am going to have to continue to count.
The only thing that I can do now is let every feeling, every movement forward, every piece of this puzzle somehow glorify God. To make sure that my mama's death not be in vain. somehow for our story, our hurt, and her life story to show others Jesus' love for us, and most of all his GRACE.
