There is no greater time than the present.

It's been a long couple of years since I have blogged. I have thought about writing more. 
I just never make it a priority. I want to make it a priority moving forward. When I am alone I have all of these thoughts that I want to put in writing (and not in a Facebook post.) Recently, I lost my mama. I have been overwhelmed with emotions. This has really sparked my need to get back on here and write down how I feel. So here's to starting off where we left off. Its a different tone today from my last post, but you can't change the way you feel when you sit down to write. 


Its been a month. 


Its been ONE entire month. 

4 weeks. 

4 Sundays.

We are back to the number 12 on the date of the next month in the calendar.


What i am really struggling with (among other things) is TIME. Time has a different meaning now. It actually scares me, or haunts me? Im not sure what it does, but when i think about it in accordance with my mama, i don't like it. That's what I know. That's what I feel. I don't like it. 

I count my girls' birthdays, and they come around year after year. I count down to vacations that are months away. I count down to special weekends that I'm looking forward to. I count down the weeks until my hubby & daddy come home from offshore. ........... and now i count how many days have passed since my mom left this earth. 

Can time just stop already? Can i quit counting the days & weeks that she isn't here anymore. Can i forget that she won't see anymore of her grandchildren's lives? She won't see them and their dance recitals, or softball games, or cheerleading competitions. Can i quit thinking of how much my girls' loved her, and how they won't have her anymore. They can't call her when I'm being mean and say they are coming over. They can't pack their bags and say they are "running away" to nee nee's (which may or may not be something their mother did when she was little.) They can't have anymore "Girls trips" with her. they can't look forward to the weekend when nee nee is coming to stay with us in her room for 3 days in a row! They can't insist on waving goodbye to her the entire time as she pulls out of the driveway. They can't go shopping with her anymore & get spoiled like nobodys business! They can't FaceTime with her anymore and laugh so hard because her dogs won't quit licking her in the face so she can talk to us. They can't look forward to going to her house. They can't make any new memories with her. That hurts. It really does feel like a punch in the gut. I would say it stings, but it is so much more than a stinging feeling. It is a deep, breath taking, headache starting, punch right to my heart. Oh, the things we would have done, the places we would have gone, the laughs we would have had. Of course my 28 years of memories are beautiful, messy, painful, and so very special to me, but they only had 5 and 3 years with her. Thats' not enough. That's not fair. That's not how it was supposed to be. That's not what she wanted. 
I hope they remember her. I hope they know how special they were to her. I hope she knew how special she was to them. 

To say I that I miss her feels lacking. To say that I want her here is expected. But i don't know what else to say.  I know it hurts. I know I wish more than anything I could change the past. I would love for one of those story book fairy tales that my kids watch to be real for just a minute. Long enough for me to go back and change that day. Long enough for me to RUN up to her, wrap her in my arms, and  tell her i love her. 

unfortunately, time keeps going. 

The minutes keep passing. The days come and go. 

The months, the months are going to add up. They are going to make a year. They are going to make years. The time is going to continue on its merry way, and I am going to have to continue to count. 

The only thing that I can do now is let every feeling, every movement forward, every piece of this puzzle somehow glorify God. To make sure that my mama's death not be in vain. somehow for our story, our hurt, and her life story to show  others Jesus' love for us, and most of all his GRACE. 

Creating a Blog

My baby girl is two years old today!

As I was laying in bed last night looking through old pictures, I found myself pouring tears. The time has gone by so fast, (too fast.) I see pictures of a tiny baby turn into pictures of a little girl. How does this happen so fast? How did my newborn all of the sudden become a toddler?

 I remember bringing her home for the first time. I remember letting her try out all of her new things as soon as we walked in the door. Her daddy put her in the swing, bassinet, bumsie, and then her crib. For weeks we would ask each other, "Will we ever have a restful night again?" Before you know it we were sleeping all night and began asking, "when is she going to walk and talk?"  I remember all too well when the question we were asking was, "Will we ever be able to go out to eat again without one of us skipping dinner to walk her around outside?" That question seemed to linger a little bit longer than any of the others! Of course, that time did come, but with a different question arising. We asked, "when did she become a little girl!"

As i think back on all of these times, I cant help but smile (even though last night all I could do was cry.) We have enjoyed watching her grow and learn. She has even taught her daddy and I some valuable lessons. Personally, I have learned to LOVE, to GIVE, and BE THANKFUL. I love my life! It by no means is perfect, but i love every part about it. I am so incredibly thankful for my blessings and my life.

I decided that in a creative attempt to slow down  and focus on what really matters I would create a blog. I am going to try to write about the "normal" family, and not some made up idea of a "perfect" family. My husband works hard. I work 40 hours a week at a Children's Hospital where I am reminded every single day to enjoy the time I have with precious family. I  come home to two children who normally are fussy and have already had a long day. I take call every 4 weeks. I struggle with balancing each aspect of our life like  cleaning the house, spending time with my babies, cooking healthy dinners, and all of the other stuff typical families go through.  When my husband is at work I play the "single mom" role. Typically its pretty comical watching me carry two children (because my oldest refuses to  walk sometimes!) into church, or pushing the buggy with the car on the front and the car seat in the back around the grocery store, running around chasing a little girl through Hobby Lobby, and trying to get places we need to go with every piece of clothing on all while trying to avoid meltdowns. Sometimes I feel like we are in a never ending rat race. My goal with every post is to  reflect on the small miracles and moments that I ordinarily wouldn't have noticed. We have the typical chaotic life, nothing spectacular, but there is no telling what all I will get into with this blog!

 I want to introduce you to our Fabulously Chaotic Life!

Today's Lesson: Time flies!!!!  Enjoy RIGHT now!!!

Until next time   ...